Doctor-SV-Moosenberg

There is a place within all of us where we find ourselves to be the most at peace. The key in finding it is to quiet the mind and open it's eye. You have to be open to the idea that home is within yourself and believe you have your own back. To be alright even when shit hits the fan. We all find ourselves lost on our paths but that's simply a state of mind. One must shift this state of mind from being a negative into a positive in order to truly open up to the opportunities set before them. Once that happens, you are able to find that peace we all need. And it's empowering.
Maintaining it though, can be difficult from time to time. At least, for me. For me, I have a hard time remembering to breathe and think more logically. I seem to be thinking from more of an emotional standpoint as of recent months. So, I've been feeling like I've been going through the motions more than actually taking hold of my life. I forget to stay focused on what's infront of me and tend to feel out of place and left behind when compared to others. I just need to remember we all go at our own paces and I'm exactly where my choices that I've made would take me.
Right now, I have a choice to make. To continue on the path I've planned for, or take a risk and see where a surprised oppurtuniy can take me. Both are promising in regard to results of outcome. One has a more stable footing than the other and the other holds unknowing which is both exciting and anxiety inducing. I'm at a cross roads to say the least. What ever door I pick closes the other and I can't go back. Thankfully, I have some cushion to think things out. I can try before I buy in regards to the oppurtuniy, if you know what I mean.
Ultimately, I know what I need just not sure on what I should do in manifesting it into my reality. I can choose to do it slowly and at a pace I won't become overwhelmed or I can just jump in and grow from the stress and experience. Honestly, I think that myself needs the time but I also don't want to underestimate myself for I am capable of more than I know. I just don't want to make a mistake or take a path were I will fail. The path I'm on will take things slow and I'll be gradually gaining while the new path could lead to financial gain and abundance of a material kind. But the path I've planned would lead to that and wisdom of an outside perspective to aid me in life. So, it's basically to stay isolated and without social interactions to continue my therapy while taking things slow, or to move out into the unfamiliar and uncertainty simply to have a social life while jumping at a chance of something that's without a for sure guarantee of working out but could potentially be promising if it does. Both have their pro's and con's. I guess I'll just have to sit and think on it for a day or so. Surely I'll make a decision. I just hope I make the right one.

I watched a truck burn tonight. I'm safe. We saved what we could. Walked 2 miles back home. Drunk. But, we saved what we could.

I sit here, at my mother's, and realize how much has changed. Life escaped us and we've gotten out of touch. Not with each other, but with the actual reality that we all share. Reality being individual understandings of how one perceives the world and then there is "actual reality" which is truly happening amongst all living creatures. We've become disconnected from reality as a whole. Delusional would be the best way to describe our individual realities to which we live. But at the same time, we're right and know it to be true. Hence delusion, no matter what you tell us, we know better than what you're trying to point out. Even if we're wrong. My mother has been being abused by her boyfriend of 12 years. He beats her, he's raped her, been a drug addict his whole life, mentally drags her down, and has even possibly molested one of my sister's. But without proof, all we have is an accusation of the fact.
My mother is a strong woman. She's been to hell and back more times than I can count, and still knows how to smile. Though, she her self isn't all innocent; having done drugs for the past 3 years since her mother (my grandmother) had passed, she still gives her all for her family and has never turned her back on her kids. Lately, she has been out of touch with how to deal with all the overwhelming stress and the abuse of her former ex-boyfriend that she has come to the point where she can't take much more. At this moment, she has 2 black eyes, is mentally drug out, and seems to be listening to those voices of self doubt and insecurity that scream in all our heads. Yet, she still has the strength to smile and laugh along with the room. To me, that's real strength.
I forfeited a new job I just got 2 days ago today to stay with her and ensure her safety. Not that I wanted this job anyways. I mean, I've only just started, worked 4 hours only, and I already know I'm mentally not stable enough to keep up. My anxiety and paranoia are still too strong (intensively overwhelming) for me to be able to maintain a sense of self that is capable of fulfilling even the most simple of tasks. Those 4 hours felt like eternity compared to what I remember from previous jobs I've had. Only because I felt so estranged and out of touch with my fellow man. Although, strangers always seem to be a trigger for me. No matter how able I feel in my moments of strength and clarity of self. Those moments usual take place when I'm in my bedroom.
Right now, I sit here at her dining room table, surrounded by friends and family, enjoying some rum with her and these people. She just kissed my head and told me she loves me and I replied with I love you too. Her heart is still as big and open as ever even after all the trauma she's been through and is still going through. Avril Lavigne plays on the radio and I seem to be the only one who notices her lyrics. Keep my head above water. I hope my mother knows I love her with every breath I take and would do anything to keep her from falling if possible. Hell, I gave up a job to stay with her. I'm sure she knows.
As of late, life has been a motion being gone through after another motion. I have no sense of direction and don't know where I'll be tomorrow. Fuck, I don't even know where I'll be tonight. All I know is I'm in this for the long haul. This life I mean. Even though I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel so lost most days. But, today, it feels alright to be lost. Lost in the sense of who I am, where I'm going, and what I need to do to get to where I'm going. At least I have myself (this incoherent person without a cause or an idea of what I am going after) and those who play the part of being my friend to keep me from fueling these feelings of hopelessness that haunt me dearly. At least I have family and I don't know about your family but, mine seems to be as strong as epoxy or even cement. We stick together and I couldn't ask for anything better. Well, maybe a sense of purpose but, I feel as if my purpose is one of a purposeless nature anyways. Meaning, to me, that I'm just here for the moment. This experience of existence that I'm experiencing through my take of what reality is.
This life of mine is just that, life. And I have no idea what I'm doing. I only pray that where ever I'm meant to be, that I get there without too much suffering and a minimal amount of pain. I only pray I'm doing what's required of me through the eyes of the one true creator of the universe. Though, who is to say "He's" got an exact plan anyways.

This is my Sunday morning. And it's pretty alright.

I sit here, silently, waiting for something, anything to happen. I've been still for so long my mind loses itself to the point that cognitive function eludes me. I try to focus but fail every time. There is this sense of forboding melancholy that looms over me. As if, an enervating force has been instilled within me to keep me feeling low.
I look outside my window at a picturesque winter tundra which blankets the neighborhood while it glistens as though made from uncut diamonds. The houses resembling a painting, being still and looking as if frozen in time for it is too cold to leave the comforts of their heated insides. To me, the view is a vista of motionlessness love while more ice crystals float down from the sky above; adding to the already snow covered rooftops of each home. I find it all to be  aesthetically pleasing to look at from here.
There isn't much to do besides sit here and write these words. This all being my way to embrace the day as it evokes a feeling of contentment from doing so. Though, sitting still this long evokes a need to embark on an adventure into the frost bitten thicket just beyond my window's view. Yet, I sit still in my room for a lack of motivation is my mood. Although, I'm beginning to find the thought more enticing and am starting to feel that I must push past my complacency to break free from another repeat of yesterday.

The cold came in like a breeze and landed heavily on the rooftops as if being a blanket of white fluff. It carries a chill of the frost bitten winter snow and the air crisp with flakes of soft crystals. I walked down the street to find myself in a book house where shelves covered every wall with pages of history and stories I'll never know. There wasn't much for me to do besides sit and write these words. I've been isolated for some time now and the thought of spending another day locked inside my mind is enough to cause havoc on my psychi and organs. I'm growing tired of this place.
This place holds secrets that I myself could live my entire lifetime without finding. I've become this feral sense of human while trapped in my own head. Though, I hold onto what I've learned and know to be true. There isn't much to do besides sit here and write these words. I watch as the days come and go as if meant and I sit within my head and question my purpose. I am looking for something more than this constant reminder I've been holding myself back. I've been holding myself here.
My understanding is to be all that you can be. So, why do I remain still and withheld? I long for that feeling of whole and lack the resources for owning it. There isn't many things for me to do besides sit here and writing these words. I'm unsure as to what's going on in my mind but it's such a mess. These thoughts being the only thing I truly own and possess and have power over.
I ready myself for the departure. I grab my things and take a step forward. I haven't a clue as to what or where I'm heading. I haven't the slightest idea as to why I steadily brace myself for a winter's frozen kisses. All I know for certain is that this place is causing me to go mad and the idea of spending another day without a "you" for me to share it with is unbearable. I guess the point of this is, I feel alone. And I guess, that's okay.

I'll find my way and figure something out. Just know, I love you and I'll find my way. Just have to get out of this ghost town and start moving forward. But for now, I remain in this frost bitten winter prison.